Kate had just finished her shift. 5:23 P.M. She seemed hurried, agitated, upset or something. There’s a lot more to her you know, more than everybody thinks they know. Which in a matter of fact is kind of the thing I love about her. She’s, completely fine. All the time. Even though her persona screams unwell, she’s always fine.
The time she jumped off the bridge she was fine.
She was fine the time she cut deep and her boyfriend spit in her face.
Once I asked her how she was. She said she was fine.
I’m not scared that she would want to fly again. She already knows she can’t, I had to learn that too. I keep on saying she’s an angel without wings, to myself. I could’ve told her, but that would beat the purpose, she needed to learn that for herself. She has this adoring elegance about her, her long eyelashes flutter when she drinks lemon tea and she smiles whenever she sees somebody flustered and dazed. Knowing minds can twist and turn themselves and the machine of the body isn’t entirely under our control. The mind is the mechanic. If the mechanic isn’t fully qualified then your going to have a rough ride. She knows this too. You can tell by the way she looks at things, she knows everything is really broken. That things aren’t perfect. Yet we all go on pretending as if they are, as if we’re fine.
When she left, i felt alone. Entirely empty. I wanted to see her face again. I couldn’t have enough of her I never have since I fell in love with her hard when I turned 17. She told me that once she fell in love and he took her heart, and smashed it over and over again. She liked him. So she stayed. Until people noticed the bruises and the cuts under her skirt. She went to therapy, now she’s taking pills and keeping things hidden. She drew me a picture of a hand, when we were six. I still have it because I think that could be my way to show her how much I love her. I’ve never been so happy to live. Yet when she goes I feel like a dusty corpse. I need her light to give me mine. That’s the only way I can breath. I need you to know she is the one. That, this is my only secret and the way she smiles at me when she speaks to someone else is the time I can die knowing that I have witnessed such a amazing tragedy.
The thing about love kids is that your never going to stop loving, never. Even the people you wouldn’t suspect to love anyone or anything is crazy about someone. They would do anything to have them by there side for the rest of time. It’s just sometimes things get messy and feelings get hurt and things change. That’s just life. But if you really love that someone you would try to make it work, distance and change shouldn’t stop anyone from loving. I could grow old and remember her, or I could grow old to forget her. There’s no in between, she will never be mine. She will always be someone else’s and it’s just the way Kate loves. She loves by giving pieces of herself to people. Her heart, her mind, her trust and her tears. She needs her pain. We all do. Once everything is given away and we’re all used up, your never going to guess what happens. We fall in love.
When I left work, all the missing pieces aligned distorted and vivid to a captured imagination as my own. Freedom was at the wings and the fluttering feathers just didn’t want to swore and fly. It’s as if I’m not letting myself let go of her, I’m just going day by day forgetting everybody else, even myself. I’m centred around her universe, like the stars hold the moon, Kate is the brightest star, yet we know the brightest of them all died off. Yet still shining, because of light years and things like that. Flickering the pace of my moods and my steps I leave my workplace and continue with my day. Jonathan the man of few words and little taught, nobody knows the real me, not anybody. Not anybody not myself. My mother held me raised me and made me learn about life and things that don’t matter. She knows me enough, she knows me as a son, a sad young man who won’t open up. Sad about nothing, sad that days pass and things change. The way the wind blows, the way songs are sung and finally the way she breaths. Exchanging oxygen for carbon monoxide and love for hate. My mother, she stays. I leave. It’s the way it’s always been.
My father is like me, we are, strange yet so demanding about various things. Obstacles in our way a point of view that isn’t up to anybody else except us, we speak in metaphors yet we know the way of the word and the taught of the tongue and everything that comes along with being a distant man is usually pain and sacrifice. He knows love all to well. He knows love, all to well.
Detaching myself from my taught I eventually got home, all the faces and the traffic lights just seem like one big blur to me. So I never notice that time goes by so quickly, the only time it stops is when Kate is around. That, I know for sure is my grounding place. It’s a person. I wish she knew, again I wish she knew.
I fumbled around my pockets for my house key tormenting myself I lost it yet again, everyday is a struggle. Eventually I found it and my breathing regained its normal pattern and my heart stopped thumping inside my chest. The best thing about living by yourself is the freedom to do whatever you like in what way you like. Not that I’m living a double life as a nudist or someone who dresses in woman’s clothing for the fun, no. I’m plain Jane, I walk around in nothing but my boxers and pee with the bathroom door open. I do everything a free man should, such as wait until the last minute to shower, forget that I have to socialise with people or even feed myself. The joys of being single. It’s all I really know.
So, I stripped my clothes and decided to go online and waste my free time by staying online until it was dawn or until I freaked myself out enough for that night. Actually, usually I just loose all respect for man kind and then log off. So, sitting in my messy sitting room, on my laptop mindlessly scrolling I got a delightful request off my co workers to come abroad with them, not in a month or anything reasonable or appropriate but in two days. It was in print, payed for, plane tickets and hotel rooms for one thing only, we had to go to a single meeting to see who is more suitable for green trusts industry. We all had our jobs on the line and in no way was I being fired for not going on the trip. Taking out my reading glasses from my briefcase, I rubbed the lenses with my sleeve quickly and put them on. Reading threw the text I discovered that we are going somewhere in the Mediterranean a on coast island that attracted a few certain kind of rich tourists.
Then I realised suddenly Kate would be going, something inside me felt unusually off now. The idea of the trip churned my stomach and I had no one to talk to about it. I can’t go, if I do I’ll wreck everything. I’ll take the chance to tell her and she’ll laugh at me, she’ll hate me for lying to her for so long. Her body, her heated sighs will all tell the tell tail signs of rejection. So I sat and thought. It took a while to focus because my mind doesn’t work on one thing at once, it sort of bounces around on idea and details. Until I’m all fried out. I would sleep on it, my conclusion.